NKOTB Review - October 19, 2008

The best place to Cougar hunt Sunday night wasn’t Duke’s or Martini Park or even Down Under Pub. It was American Airlines center, where amid crimped hair, gigantic buttons, and lots of bright pink and green, a few friends and I went back in time about 16 years (at the very reasonable price of $90 per person) to enjoy a night with our onetime FHs, The New Kids on the Block. There weren’t many teenagers (and the ones that were there appeared to be with their mother’s) and there weren’t many men (though Donnie praised those that were there as being smart and declaring they would definitely “get some” tonight). There were so few men, in fact, that the men’s bathrooms had been converted into additional facilities for the ladies. Of course the one time I visited the men’s room, I nearly gagged at the unmistakable stench of urine, but hey, it’s the thought that counts.

I can basically sum up my demeanor last night in one word – giggly. I think I laughed throughout the entire concert I was so giddy. I wasn’t expecting quite the reaction I had, although in hindsight it makes sense. I mean the New Kids really are the only good memory I have of junior high (other than the time the radio station came to school and I got to spin the wheel and won a gift certificate to the movie theater). And I was surprised that all the words to every song came back to me so quickly – I should have never doubted myself. I remember very clearly a debate I had with my mother around age 11 over the overall impact of our favorite boy bands. Somehow I don’t think I ever got her to come around to my way of thinking:

“Oh Kelly we totally felt that way about the Beatles when we were your age.”

“No Mom – this is WAY bigger than the Beatles! This is NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!!!!”

The guys don’t really appear to have changed much. Joey is still adorable. Donnie is still ghetto (in a super hot way). Jordan still has a ridiculous falsetto voice. And Jon and Danny were still merely backup singers. One noticeable change is that the guys (especially Joey) are no longer boys. I’m pretty sure that “Please Don’t Go Girl” was dropped about five keys since apparently, Joey went through puberty sometime in the last 16 years. But boys or men, 1992 or 2008, there will always be some definite crotch grabbing, and I mean that in the least perverted way possible.

One of the highlights came when the band disappeared from the stage and reappeared on an elevated rotating platform near the back of the floor section. With my seat one level off the floor near the back, this put me probably the closest I’ve ever physically been to Joey, my favorite New Kid. They performed four of five songs on this platform, including “Tonight,” a song they wrote near the end of their glory days that referenced several of their early hits. It was at this point that some woman threw her bra onto the stage. Jordan playfully picked it up and swung it over his head like a lasso, just as he had done countless times decades ago.

There were a few songs that allowed the guys to showcase their solo careers. While Joey’s song was most likely to be featured in a cheesy Kate Hudson/Matthew McConaughey movie, Jordan garnered much attention when while standing over a wind machine he flipped his white button up shirt back to expose a pleasantly surprising chiseled chest. And what did Donnie do at the end of his song? Pull his pants down below his boxers, duh.

(I must say that I did have a revelation last night – “I’ll Be Loving You Forever” is possibly the best first dance wedding song ever written. “There’s just so much that I want to say but when I look at you all my thoughts get in the way.” I mean seriously, how come that doesn’t get more wedding play?)

Last night I flashed back to memories of attending New Kids on the Block concerts in elementary and junior high school with friends I can’t even remember the names of, though I do remember one of the guys took off his sweaty shirt and threw it to someone in my section. I’m pretty sure I cried. It also brought back memories of the night I spent in the Four Seasons hotel lobby hoping to get a glimpse of NSync (Joey Fatone said hi to me!). Basically the whole evening reaffirmed my love of boy bands. I mean any boy band will do. Pair Zac Efron with the Jonas Brothers and I’ll buy the CD, a concert ticket, and I’ll probably join the fan club too.

The finale was the ultimate culmination. Fifteen thousand adult women waving their hands back and forth to “Hangin’ Tough,” diverting for a while into Queen’s “We Will Rock You,” then back to “Hangin’ Tough” supersized with electric guitars and sparkly lights. I’m not kidding when I say two EMTs had to come down to our section to ask if one woman was okay. But the thing about fifteen thousand 30-something year old women with fully developed lungs – well lets just say my ears are still ringing.

I, on the other hand, didn’t spend the whole night screaming at the top of my lungs, and I didn’t throw my bra on stage, but did I throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don’t care when prompted by Donnie? Why yes, I did.

30 Things in the Next 30 Years

My 30th birthday came and went. I don’t really feel too much older, unless you count the fact that after I do step aerobics my knees crack when I walk down the stairs for the next two days. In my last blog I gave you “30 Things in 30 Years.” And while I’ve accomplished a lot in my 30 years , I also made a list of 30 things I’d like to do in the next 30 years. So here goes:

1. Get married. That’s right Mom – I said it. It’s on my list.

2. Live for a year or two outside of the US. Really anywhere but Antarctica would be okay with me. I don’t think there would be enough fleece in the world to make that comfortable.

3. Learn to play the fiddle. OK – I realize a fiddle really is a violin, but I would like to play “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” and besides it’s way more interesting to say, “I play the fiddle.”

4. Learn sign language. Currently I know the alphabet and a few bad words, but that’s it.

5. Write a book. At a minimum it would be a compilation of non-fiction short stories a la David Sedaris, but without the drugs.

6. Take a mission trip to Africa. And maybe, Mom, I’ll buy a kid while I’m there.

7. Learn a foreign language. Spanish would be practical, but Norwegian? That would be fun!

8. Learn to dive. I don’t mean scuba dive. I mean actually jump off the diving board with my arms over my head and go head first (feet last) into the water without doing a belly flop.

9. Make a gigantic anonymous donation to something. Any ideas on how to get rich first?

10. Quit biting my nails. I’ve tried – I can’t help it if the pepper flavored nail polish tastes good.

11. Fit into my prom dress. OK really I mean just lose some weight, but if I could fit into my prom dress I’d take a picture and make a Christmas card out of it.

12. Learn to fly and get my pilot’s license (and maybe spell out kproc.com in the air with my plane)

13. Go skydiving. WHEEEEEE!!!!!

14. Join a band. Maybe I can be the fourth Dixie Chick!

15. Go on a vacation without taking my laptop. Good luck, self.

16. Spend several weeks in the Italian countryside taking cooking and wine classes. Maybe I should learn to like tomato sauce first.

17. Go to Hawaii. I’d fire walk, hula dance, be an extra on Lost, the whole nine yards.

18. Compete in a reality show. Any one but The Real World. I really think I could kick some butt on Survivor.

19. Go back to school to get my PhD so I can officially be Doctor Proctor!

20. Visit Australia Mate!

21. Participate in a step aerobics marathon. By my calculations, doing step aerobics for five hours straight is equivalent to running 26.2 miles at 5 miles per hour (that’s how slow I’d run). Who wants to do it with me? We can pick a charity.

22. Go to the Superbowl (hopefully when the Cowboys are playing – probably when I’m like 80 years old)

23. Read the whole bible. Not the kids bible with all the pictures. I mean the real thing.

24. Learn to scuba dive. I hear I might suffocate, but the Australian scenery might be worth it.

25. Learn to play the harmonica, and get one of those things that goes around your neck so you can play harmonica without holding it in your hands. I know, that’s hot.

26. At least try to water ski. I know I will fall, but I should probably try at least once instead of breaking my back on that stupid tube.

27. See my nephew (and other nieces and nephews that may come) graduate from college. If they graduate from UT I might even buy them a present.

28. Play in a fantasy football league with a bunch of guys and WIN! That would make the guys at work REAL happy!

29. Buy a baby grand piano to go in the music room I don’t yet have in the house I don’t yet have

30. Find some stupid hidden talent and perform it on Conan O’Brien’s show. Suggestions?

Wow – this is a pretty big list. I better get to work!

30 Things in 30 Years

Composed September 15, 2008

Here I am, on the eve of the 30th anniversary of my birth. I have a glass of Shiraz in one hand, a diet coke in the other, and the Cowboys on TV. I am reflective.

30 years is a long time, and so I started to think of whether I’d made the most of my 30 years on earth. Of course there are things I still want to do (those will be revealed in a future blog), but I made a list of 30 things I have done or accomplished that at least I can say I’ve “checked off my list” so to speak. It was hard to cut it down to just 30, but in no particular order, 30 things in 30 years:

1. I decided I wanted to play the guitar, so I did. Two guitars and countless dollars spent in lessons later, I play a mean “Silent Night”

2. I watched a guy drink snake blood in a Taiwanese market. This is an accomplishment, because it confirmed for me that I will never, ever do it.

3. I jumped off a three story cliff canyoning in Switzerland. The funny thing is that after I jumped my friend Jasmine, the one who begged and pleaded and insisted I go in the first place, chickened out and had to rappel down.

4. I went on a walking beer tour in the middle of January with ten complete strangers in Munich, half of whom I could not communicate with. And I discovered – Russians don’t just throw back vodka.

5. I danced in a televised parade. 7th grade – Foley’s Thanksgiving Day parade in Houston. We danced to Vogue. I froze my jazz hands off.

6. I ran in a race. Yes me. Yes a race. A fun run actually. I think I was about six. We ran around the football stadium. On the backside of the football stadium I realized I was in last place. So when I turned the corner toward the finish line, I started limping as if I’d fallen down and THAT’S why I was last. I have never revealed that to anyone until now. Somehow I still got a trophy.

7. I sustained a sports injury. I tore my ACL snow skiing, and I’ve been back on the slopes about five times since the surgery. Every time I’ve skied since then I have never fallen. Not even when David Daniels and Ryan Blakeney tried to take me down.

8. I bought a house and a car all by myself. Of course I did not realize I was going to have to spend two hours a day changing light bulbs.

9. I saw my brother play cello in the Texas All State Orchestra, which is cool, except that he sweats a lot.

10. I made it 30 years without being arrested. Take that Reagan!!!!

11. I learned how to tap dance. And after another glass of wine, I may just put on a little show for myself.

12. I managed to never use any kind of drugs, except for whatever you people may have slipped me over the years without my knowledge.

13. I watched the University of Texas (the greatest school ever!) win the BCS championship against USC, live in person.

14. I tried out for a reality show – The Apprentice. I could have been Omarosa.

15. I enjoyed certain delicacies in Asia, like a Green Bean popsicle in Beijing, and Pig Ear in Hong Kong (chewy!)

16. I watched basketball (March Madness) and played craps with the mafia in Vegas

17. I, along with several friends, was solicited by a swinging couple on a cruise. We politely declined.

18. I went to the Olympics (Atlanta 1996) – baseball and women’s basketball. My two favorite sports! (That’s sarcasm)

19. I “studied” abroad twice – once in Paris and once in Hong Kong. Notice the strategic use of quotation marks with the word studied.

20. I got my MBA. Or should I say that while working full time I agonized through two and a half years of mind-numbing lectures when even a 64 ounce double gulp was NEVER enough diet coke

21. I learned how to make a website and get over 104,000 hits.

22. I survived a church retreat as a chaperone for 100 junior high and high school kids at church. And I thought I wasn’t a kid person!

23. I learned to like roller coasters after being terrified when I was younger, and now it’s love.

24. I went wine tasting in Napa in a limo with my infamous ex. At least I got a trip to San Francisco out of him.

25. I somehow, someway kept my composure in my bridesmaid dress when retrieving aforementioned ex from the hospital in New Orleans after a very unfortunate (for him) night.

26. I bought a piano after not having played for eight years, just because I heard Billy Joel’s “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” on the radio

27. I went white water rafting in Lake Tahoe. Accidentally wore helmet backwards. Flipped completely out of the boat.

28. I visited a Japanese beer brewery with co-workers and took an hour long tour that I couldn’t understand a word of.

29. I hiked the Great Wall of China in flip flops. I thought we were just going to look and take pictures, and had left my Puma’s at home.

30. I taught my two year old nephew to chant “Romo! Romo!” much to the chagrin of my Texans fanatic brother in law.

In conclusion, I was told yesterday that I am a “desperate, desperate, Cougar” And since I have an hour and a half to go, this desperate desperate Cougar is going to go play with her Snoopy Sno Cone Machine.

Random mini-blogs

Well it’s been a while since I’ve posted here and I’m feeling pretty uninspired lately, so I’m going to string together some mini-blogs. If anyone would like to suggest topics for future blogs, please send them my way. I’m out of ideas.
Here’s some snippets…

So your boobs really do get bigger after having a kid…
Here is a mini-guest blog from my little sister Ashley. She had been working at her new job about two weeks when this unfortunate event occurred. Here it is in her words:
I was sitting in a morning meeting at 10 am this morning when a horrific thing occurred. Not 2 minutes into it, I barely leaned on the corner of the table, and I hear a snap. I realized my underwire on my bra had broken. So I'm hoping it will be short meeting so I can go to the restroom and adjust. But no, of course not. So as the meeting gets longer and longer, the wire inches out more and more. It is stabbing me and pinching me and is just overall extremely painful. As soon as the meeting ends (1.5 hours later), I tell my boss I need to take my lunch break to go to the Galleria and buy a new bra, as at this point the one I'm currently wearing is completely useless. So I get in my car as fast as I can and find the nearest Wamu (I got my first check today, and needed to deposit it before buying a bra). I rush back to my parking garage, park, and run across to the galleria and enter through Nordstroms. I find this new store a friend told me about because I desperately need a fitting as well. When I tell them what size I think I am (38C) they laugh. I try on a few new bras, and discover I am a 34F. And my boobs are slightly mis-shapen from wearing the wrong size bra. I buy one bra and promise to come back when I'm not on my lunch break.

Now my boobs feel absolutely amazing and I never knew a bra could feel so good. Plus, they don't sag anymore. But I still have a nasty red spot where my wire rubbed me raw....

It must take something stronger than beer to get through a Britney Spears concert
My mom and two and a half year old nephew Trevor came to visit me a couple of weeks ago while my brother attended cello camp in Arlington. We did lots of fun stuff while they were here – played in the pool, rode the trolley, went shopping, etc. But probably the highlight of Trevor’s visit was when we went to the circus at American Airlines Center. I think he’s still playing with his $30 spinning light thingy and talking about lions and elephants and clowns. When we went to the circus, I had had a tough week and an even tougher day, so the whole car ride to the circus I was hoping and praying they would be selling beer there. I could just taste the cold, frothy goodness. And guess what – they sold beer and I drank every drop out of my 24 ounce cup! But here’s the ironic part – I remember very clearly attending a Britney Spears concert several years ago at the very same venue where beer was not available for sale. So you can buy beer at the circus, but not at the Britney concert? Go figure. Well it was right around the time she was starting to go downhill - maybe it was for her own protection.

There’s No Place Like Aunt Kelly’s
As I mentioned Trevor’s visit to Dallas was probably the highlight of his life. At the end of the week I took Trevor for a six hour car ride to Evadale, Texas for a family reunion. It was there that he would be reunited with his mom and dad after spending nearly a week apart. My sister had never been away from Trevor for that long, so naturally she was very excited to see him. So when we pulled up she started running toward the car. Trevor stood there watching her run toward him staring at her like she was crazy. When she got a few feet away, Trevor ran over to me and wrapped around my leg. I’m pretty sure I saw a tear in Ashley’s eye, but I am just glad that I am henceforth known as the fun aunt.

Red, Hot, and Puke
Last Friday several of us went to eat lunch at Dallas BBQ joint Red, Hot, and Blue. It was me and seven guys (I work with all guys, therefore I eat lunch with all guys). Today at work it seemed relatively sparse for a Monday. Turns out that half the people I had eaten lunch with on Friday got food poisoning and spent their entire weekends in the bathroom. Either that or they concocted this ploy to all skip out on work today. Either way, they all had the pulled pork, and it seems that many are still paying for it. I’m just glad I got the chicken.

Olga! Homer! Get in time out!
It’s raining babies. My friend Jenny will give birth to daughter number two later this week. My cousin and his wife had a baby on Saturday. And the fun is just beginning for my friend Laura who is carrying quadruplets. Despite my mothers’ urging to adopt a baby girl from China (“Ya know you don’t have to be married to adopt a child, Kelly. Who’s going to care for you when you get old?”) I am years away from learning how to suppress my gag reflex long enough to change a diaper. But something has happened – my cousin and his wife stole my baby name. Madeline. Maddie for short. It’s not their fault, I thought it might be pretty psychopathic of me to declare to the world I had names picked out for my un-conceived children. And why should I? I mean maybe if I could find someone to pretend to be my FH (future husband) for a few minutes I might have a right to claim names. But clearly I’m no where near that, so I can’t just reserve names. What was I thinking? But at the rate my friends are popping them out, and at the speed at which I’m cruising at, I just better get used to sound of Agnes and Hugh.

That hula hoop trick was a perfect ten
Can I just say what everyone is thinking? Thank goodness the Olympics are over! Sure at first it was fun – Michael Phelps, underage gymnasts, but was it worth the four hoursof sleep a night I’ve been averaging? It was more frustrating than anything. Here are some of my observations:
Why can’t we prove the Chinese gymnasts are underage? It’s 2008 people – isn’t there some kind of DNA testing or something like that? It’s not like they are barely too young. They are freaking 12! If we can count rings to tell the age of a tree, then why can’t we tell how old a human is? Does anyone else think this is weird?

I’ve never run track before, but I would think that passing off the baton in a track relay would be an essential and fundamental skill. I know. Call me crazy. How is it possible that both the US men and women could screw it up? Was it covered in Vaseline? I’m not claiming to be an expert in baton handoffs, but they should be! How does something like that happen? Similarly, serving a volleyball over a net in bounds should probably be a given for an Olympic volleyball player.

The first week was exciting, the second week was boring, but thank goodness we could cap the whole thing off with a healthy dose of rhythmic gymnastics. I must say the hula hoop skills are mesmerizing. I see an extremely successful Cirque Du Soleil career in these girls’ future.
I’m just saying I think I’ll be okay waiting four years for the next one. That’s all.

Smoke? No Way!
Well I’m still doing the online dating thing, or should I stay I’m still paying for the online dating thing. It hasn’t been quite as much fun since Grapevine Chris quit stalking me. Match.com was boring me, and since I was looking for some kproc.com inspiration, I took advantage of the Eharmony $45 for three months sale. That hasn’t been that exciting either. Here’s a guy who says Smoke – No Way! (one of my basic criteria), yet his profile picture shows him with a cig hanging out the right side of his mouth. Sexy. I did initiate communication with a guy with a mustache, just to change it up a little. I’ve been on one so-so date and one excruciatingly painful date. Just one or two more and I’ll have my memberships paid off, and hopefully some good blog material. But so far, nothing exciting to report. Maybe I should reach out to Grapevine Chris and see if he’ll go back to stalking me.

It’s not like it’s 238,494 Zambian Kwacha’s
I’m currently fighting with my old apartment complex. They are trying to charge me excessive and unreasonable charges for my move out in March above and beyond the deposit I already agreed to forfeit. We have been fighting over this for a couple of months now, and the current negotiated bill is for $65.24. Yes, I know it’s not like they are trying to charge me $500, and writing a $66 check won’t break the bank, but it’s the principle of it. Without going into too much detail, I will say that when I was moving out I called the office and asked what I needed to do, and I proceeded to follow instructions that were provided to me over the phone. Apparently the person I was talking to was smoking something, since doing what they told me to do was not enough to avoid these ridiculous charges. But none of those people work there anymore, the entire management has changed, and everyone refuses to believe me. I realize now I should have been recording every phone conversation I ever had.

I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, but I also didn’t want to have a $66 bill hanging over my head, so I went in a few weeks ago to pay my bill. With 6,524 pennies. It’s US legal tender, but the office refused to accept it, even though no where does it state they only take check or money order as they claim. So I’m still fighting this with the leasing office, the corporate office, and through the Better Business Bureau. If they refuse to accept my payment I’ll be glad to pay via check. 6,524 of them for $0.01 each. Anyone have a check printing hook up?

Online Dating Round 8

So I’ve been on match.com on and off for a few years now. While it hasn’t reaped hundreds of dates and long term relationships with Mr. Perfect, it has been somewhat of a fun hobby if nothing else. “I wonder what freaks I’m going to attract today?” I’ll ask myself when I roll out of bed in the morning. Even when I’m not a paid subscriber, I still leave my profile up so that other people can view it and pretend like they know me after looking at a few pictures and reading a few paragraphs. Occasionally I’ll get a “wink.” This is just an automated message that people can choose to send to one another to let them know they are interested. As a non-paying subscriber you can send and receive winks, but that’s about it. If someone is so moved by your profile they want to send you an email, you will receive an email saying you have an email, but you can’t check the email or even see who sent you the email. Did you catch all that?

So about a month or so ago I had received a few emails in my match.com inbox, but as a non-paying subscriber I couldn’t read them. It had been about a year since I had been a paid subscriber, so I decided to spring for the $60 three month subscription out of curiosity. So from about mid-June to mid-September, I’m going to make the most of my $60. In fact last week I went out with a guy that had sent one of those initial emails that piqued my curiosity and led me to sign up. I’ve got a few other “conversations” going with some others, and plans to meet up with another guy this week. As my friend Russell says, “I’m E-pimpin’.”

But none of this information is worthy of a blog. What is more interesting is the people I have found on match.com and the people who have found me, who either can’t read or read selectively. To explain, I first need to give you a general idea about my profile:

My screen name is txex01 – because I graduated from UT in 2001. Yes I will accost you with my Longhorn pride right off the bat.

There are 13 pictures of me on my profile. This is probably more than the average, but I try to convey many things about me in my pictures. A photo of me in Hong Kong and another snow skiing shows that I like to travel. There is a photo of me on a skateboard on St. Patrick’s Day. This shows that I am fun-loving. There are two pictures of me with my friends from college, who are all smoking hot. This shows that I am not a recluse, and that there may be a consolation prize in store if I don’t work out. There are two pictures of me with my nephew, who is super cute. You might think at first glance that this might be my child (which would most likely be a turnoff for many potential suitors), but my profile says “Have Kids: None” so that fear is laid to rest, and the picture just shows I am probably good with kids. And finally I have a picture of the scoreboard at the BCS championship game when Texas beat USC, again to accost you with my Longhorn pride and fend off any Aggie or Sooner potentials. It is worth noting that in all my pictures I am in much better shape than I am today. There are even a couple of pictures that may be the best pictures I’ve ever taken. At first I felt guilty about this, but then I remembered that everyone else does the same thing and people should be smart enough to understand that I am not as hot in person as I am on the internet. At least the pictures online are actually pictures of me and not some photo-shopped supermodel pic.

A very important aspect of my profile is the “Body Type” category. Here are the body types you can choose from: slender, athletic and toned, about average, a few extra pounds, stocky, heavyset, and other. I think it is pretty commonly understood on match.com that if you choose “about average” you could probably stand to use a few pounds. Many guys will even specify that they are only looking for women that are slender or athletic and toned. But I took a risk and decided to set my body type at “a few extra pounds.” Some people might think this is stupid, but I think it facilitates efficiency in matching. I would say that when you select “a few extra pounds” on match.com you are filtering out ~90% of the men that would have matched your own search criteria. Why would I want to do that? Several reasons: 1. As I mentioned before, I am thinner in my pictures than I am now, so I compensate by choosing a few extra pounds so guys don’t have unreasonable expectations. 2. Even if I were skinny, I wouldn’t want to date a guy that was only okay with dating skinny girls. I’m never going to be skinny forever, and I don’t want to live under that pressure. And 3. I’d like to think that somewhere out there there is a guy that puts as little emphasis in physical appearance as I do. I know what you are thinking. Keep dreaming.

Aside from that I basically list my educational background, faith, that I work out and try to eat healthy, I don’t smoke, that I’m politically middle of the road, that I like to travel, and a few paragraphs about myself. Pretty standard stuff actually.

So another thing to note is that I have clearly specified what I am looking for in a guy. I think I’m fairly reasonable when it comes to what I’m looking for. A guy within a ten year span encompassing my age that is at least 5’8” with any body type except slender (I never want to feel I’m bigger than the guy I’m with). He lives within 50 miles of my zip code, and ethnicity is white, Latino/Hispanic, or other (I may be able to open this up after my grandparents become senile or die). Faith must be Catholic, Protestant, or Christian/Other. Education must be at least a bachelor’s degree. Many people have called me out on this, saying this makes me a snob. I have compromised by saying that I’m looking for this, but if a guy emails me without a bachelor’s degree I won’t automatically rule him out. Smoke: No way or cigars only. Drink: socially. Never married or divorced and no kids. Fairly reasonable, don’t you think?

Which brings me to the point of this posting. Why, oh why, do I get noticed by men who come no where close to matching my criteria? Here’s a sampling of a few people that have winked or emailed me since I re-subscribed in the last month.

One man dubs himself as “the man you can call your future.” He is never married with a child, and instead of specifying conservative, liberal, or middle of the road, he chose “some other viewpoint.” I don’t think I want to know what that other viewpoint might be.

One guy says “I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous!” He last read his cell phone bill. Literature buff? I think not. Aside from that, he isn’t even looking for “a few extra pounds” women according to his profile.

Another guy with the word “Ice” in his screen name emailed to say he loved my profile and wants to chat. Yet Mr. Ice is an atheist, and I wrote a whole paragraph in my profile on the importance of faith.

I could go on and one – I’ve received winks or emails from guys that smoke. Guys that are over the age of 50. Guys that live in Oklahoma, Maine, and North Dakota. Guys that find “boldness/assertiveness” a turn-off. Guys younger than me specifically looking for women older than them (do I look like a Cougar?) Guys who say they don’t smoke, but are only looking for women whose smoking status is “trying to quit.” Should I keep going? Where are the guys that are looking for me?

And now I remember, this is why I’m not a full time paying subscriber. The filtering out of all the crap takes three times longer than actually communicating with the real potential FHs (that’s future husband). But anyway, I have paid for this thing for three months, so as I said before, I will make the most of it. I’ll let you know if anything crazy happens.

Humanity Sucks! Nevermind!

I've been meaning to tell you all about a couple of crazy things that happened last Thursday.

I saw the worst side of humanity and the best side of humanity. I'll start with the worst.A couple of weeks ago after church Ben told me, “Your right rear is kind of low.” After I punched him in the face I realized he was talking about my tire. So I went and aired up my back right tire, and checked it again last Thursday morning and it was low again. So I figured I must have a leak. So I took my car to the Firestone that’s literally a block away from work and walked to work. A few minutes later they called and told me there were two punctures in my tire. I jokingly said, “Are you saying someone slashed my tire?” and the guy said, “It sure looks that way – two four inch slashes.” Not sure where this happened (I park in my garage at home), but at the moment, I’m looking out for my enemies.

Second story...A few weeks ago a bunch of people from church pooled their money together to buy a going away gift for Broc. One of the things we got him was tickets to see Seinfeld because he kind of has a man crush on him. I bought the tickets online at ticketmaster and when you do that they are supposed to send you a notice when they have been printed and they are supposed to be delivered in the mail at least five business days before the event. Well the show is this Saturday, and as of last Thursday I still hadn't received the email or the tickets. So I was starting to kind of freak out about if and when they would arrive.

Fast forward to last Thursday night (the same day I found out my tire had been slashed) - I got home at about 10PM and went to check the mail, hoping to find something from Ticketmaster. There was nothing from Ticketmaster, but among all the junk mail and mortgage insurance letters (that won't stop coming) there was an envelope hand addressed to me. The return address was from Chuck Cox at a Dallas address. I don't know a Chuck Cox so I was very curious as to what this hand addressed envelope contained. I opened it up to find a note inside that said "Kelly, Ticketmaster accidentally sent me your tickets. Here you go." My name and address was on the tickets so he mailed them to me. He could have used them or sold them or just ignored them, but this guy sent them to me in the mail! Isn't that crazy! So now I have the tickets and Broc can go drool over Jerry Seinfeld Saturday.

How I Keep Busy

Thank you Ashley and Ben and everyone else for enhancing my self esteem by telling me how much I suck and what a loser I am because I haven't updated the site in a while. But I have good reasons. Here's what I have been doing recently that has prevented me from updating kproc.com regularly:

1. I watched a monkey do tricks at church, then found out that said monkey is also available to dress up in a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader uniform and strip. Guys, sounds like a great idea for your next bachelor party

2. I ate an entire pitcher of alcohol soaked fruit because I thought that eating the fruit would be fewer calories than drinking the sangria. After about a pound and a half of drunk fruit, I felt nothing. Can someone say "400 pound man?"

3. I got a rash on my right hand and spent hours trying to diagnose it. Apparently the internet thinks I have herpes, as it took hours of searching "little red bumps with blisters" to turn up a search result that referenced a non-STD heat rash.

4. I got a jet ski up to 49 mph then wisely tried to make a sharp turn, which is the closest I've ever come to dying. Somehow I managed to keep it upright.

5. I wrote a song. Actually I wrote lyrics to a song - I can't take credit for the music. It's a song for Dick. I'm still putting the finishing touches on it, and when it's done I will post it.

6. I fantasized about gazelle role playing. Whitney, Kristen, Kay - you know what I'm talking about.

7. I spent many very productive hours working on my tan in the sun. I managed not to get too sunburned, but did contract aforementioned heat rash.

8. Kicked Ben's @ss (and several old ladies') at nursing home bingo, but called a truce over a bowl of ice cream.

9. I made my first real firework purchase ever, although I had no clue what I was doing and refused to light them myself.

10. I ate a very patriotic meal of fajitas on Independence Day

11. Submitted no less than five help tickets in the last three weeks to the IT help desk at work for computer issues, many of which are still unresolved, so I'm working on a computer that could crap out at any moment.

12. Lost at flip cup multiple times

13. Watched Joey Chestnut take the Hot Dog Eating Championship in the dramatic five dog eat off

14. Got a deflated tire, and drove to four different gas stations before I could find a place that had an air hose.

15. Got attacked by a scary two pound dog who I swear must have been rabid

16. Fell in love with Will on "So You Think You Can Dance"

17. Played cashier at a pie auction fund raiser at church where people were paying as much as $500 for a pie - no joke

18. Ordered my driving record and prepared for defensive driving since I committed the major sin of going 75 on the Tollway

19. Met my hairdressing soul mate, Cory. He's "not a big product guy"

20. Took a double step aerobics class (yes - with TWO step benches - half the workout is just trying not to fall down!) after having a beer at happy hour, then paid for it the rest of the night.

21. Presented Broc with a liberal hat that will never be worn

22. Spent $370 at Linens N Things just because they were going out of business

So how, my friends, can you call me a slacker????