How I Keep Busy

Thank you Ashley and Ben and everyone else for enhancing my self esteem by telling me how much I suck and what a loser I am because I haven't updated the site in a while. But I have good reasons. Here's what I have been doing recently that has prevented me from updating kproc.com regularly:

1. I watched a monkey do tricks at church, then found out that said monkey is also available to dress up in a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader uniform and strip. Guys, sounds like a great idea for your next bachelor party

2. I ate an entire pitcher of alcohol soaked fruit because I thought that eating the fruit would be fewer calories than drinking the sangria. After about a pound and a half of drunk fruit, I felt nothing. Can someone say "400 pound man?"

3. I got a rash on my right hand and spent hours trying to diagnose it. Apparently the internet thinks I have herpes, as it took hours of searching "little red bumps with blisters" to turn up a search result that referenced a non-STD heat rash.

4. I got a jet ski up to 49 mph then wisely tried to make a sharp turn, which is the closest I've ever come to dying. Somehow I managed to keep it upright.

5. I wrote a song. Actually I wrote lyrics to a song - I can't take credit for the music. It's a song for Dick. I'm still putting the finishing touches on it, and when it's done I will post it.

6. I fantasized about gazelle role playing. Whitney, Kristen, Kay - you know what I'm talking about.

7. I spent many very productive hours working on my tan in the sun. I managed not to get too sunburned, but did contract aforementioned heat rash.

8. Kicked Ben's @ss (and several old ladies') at nursing home bingo, but called a truce over a bowl of ice cream.

9. I made my first real firework purchase ever, although I had no clue what I was doing and refused to light them myself.

10. I ate a very patriotic meal of fajitas on Independence Day

11. Submitted no less than five help tickets in the last three weeks to the IT help desk at work for computer issues, many of which are still unresolved, so I'm working on a computer that could crap out at any moment.

12. Lost at flip cup multiple times

13. Watched Joey Chestnut take the Hot Dog Eating Championship in the dramatic five dog eat off

14. Got a deflated tire, and drove to four different gas stations before I could find a place that had an air hose.

15. Got attacked by a scary two pound dog who I swear must have been rabid

16. Fell in love with Will on "So You Think You Can Dance"

17. Played cashier at a pie auction fund raiser at church where people were paying as much as $500 for a pie - no joke

18. Ordered my driving record and prepared for defensive driving since I committed the major sin of going 75 on the Tollway

19. Met my hairdressing soul mate, Cory. He's "not a big product guy"

20. Took a double step aerobics class (yes - with TWO step benches - half the workout is just trying not to fall down!) after having a beer at happy hour, then paid for it the rest of the night.

21. Presented Broc with a liberal hat that will never be worn

22. Spent $370 at Linens N Things just because they were going out of business

So how, my friends, can you call me a slacker????