I've been pretty busy and don't have time to write a new blog right now, but I did manage to pull something out from the email sent folder vault. This is two emails from back in November 2006 - sent about a week a part.
Here's the first email, sent November 6, 2005. The subject was "You Only Live Once, Right?"
In case you haven’t heard, this Sunday, November 12 is the MLS Cup Championship. What is the MLS Cup Championship? Glad you asked. MLS is major league soccer, and the cup championship is like the BCS Championship of soccer, only without Longhorn-hating computers. Or like the Super Bowl of soccer, only without indecent exposure (hopefully!) This year the championship game will be played between the New England Revolution and the Houston Dynamo at Pizza Hut Park in Frisco, TX.
So you may be asking, what does this have to do with me? Well, a few months back I started taking a hip hop dance class once a week. No, I do not look cool doing hip hop, and no, I am not planning on quitting my day job. It’s simply a different form of exercise, because I get so freaking bored doing the same workout day after day at the gym. So I go to hip hop to work up a sweat, and believe me, if you are looking to expand your workout horizons, I sweat more in hip hop than I do most of the time at the gym.
Well, my hip hop teacher (the one who hangs out with Justin Timberlake when he swings through town, go figure) told us a few weeks ago that he was choreographing the halftime show for the MLS Cup Championship and needed “like 500” dancers for the event. See where this is going?
Which brings me to the subject of my email – you only live once! Yes – you guessed it. I was somehow possessed to sign up to shake my booty at the MLS Cup halftime show. Although judging from the email list, “like 500” dancers is actually less than 100, many of whom have music video credits on their resume, which is kind of scary for me. Nevertheless, I’m going to try to hang with the best, and if nothing else, get a good workout. I’ll be dancing with a “major recording artist,” although I don’t know who that is yet and how major is major. But I do know past performers have included Michelle Branch and Christina Aguilera, so we’ll see.
There was one moment of uncertainty: When I inquired about the costumes and how revealing they might be, the production company responded that there would be revealing tops, but that I could opt to wear one of the t-shirts printed to match the tops, which I think means I can opt to wear the boys costume. I felt bad asking, but I was just having flashbacks to my junior year of college when I got talked into dancing in the high school drill team alumni dance (arrive for rehearsal – learn that dance style is lyrical – practice all day – learn that costume is a lyrical dress made of spandex-like fabric – threaten to quit – Mom gets upset – end up dancing and looking like a fool anyways). Sounds like we won’t have a repeat of that sad, sad incident.
So, set your Tivo’s boys and girls! The game will air live on ABC at 2:30PM Central time on Nov. 12. Maybe you can catch a glimpse of me trying not to look like an idiot! And if there are any soccer fans in Dallas, there are tickets available at Ticketmaster starting at $35!
Well, now that I have announced it to the world, I guess there’s no backing out! Wish me luck – and try not to laugh too hard!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now here's the 2nd email, sent November 11, 2006
I CAME
I SAW
I QUIT
Let me explain to you why you won’t be seeing me on TV tomorrow afternoon…
I arrived at Pizza Hut Park at 9AM this morning – it was sunny but with temperatures in the 40s, so I was freezing cold. I did say hi to several people that were in my hip hop class in my age range (they are mostly in their 20s). These are the people I told you about, the ones with music videos on their resume who take class six days a week instead of once a week for exercise purposes like me. Turns out these people that I knew that were close to my age had already learned the real dance to be performed in the middle of the field. So where did that leave me? I was sent to “Group B” with a bunch of twelve year olds, and we proceeded to spend the next two hours learning choreography that included the pony, step clap step clap, making a circle, and waving hands from side to side. Not exactly the excitement and challenge I was expecting.
When I realized that it wasn’t getting any better, I started thinking about several things:
a) how cold I was
b) how I could really use a nap – 7:45AM is too early to wake up on a Saturday
c) how I was going to be late for a wedding shower because of today’s practice
d) how I was going to miss church because of tomorrow’s call time
e) that I had committed to spend 18 hours of my weekend doing the pony with people less than half my age, and
f) that I just plain look like an idiot.
Now, I’m not really what you would call a quitter or someone who breaks commitments. So I really struggled with the decision of what to do. Non-Quitter Kelly kept saying I’d made this commitment and advertised it to the world, I can’t back out now. Quitter Kelly kept going back to points a through f above, and trying to think of one person on that field who would miss me or even notice if I were gone. I mean doing the pony doesn’t exactly require a special skill set that only I possess. In the end, as you already know, Quitter Kelly prevailed.
I didn’t mention to any of the choreographers I was leaving, I just told the junior high girl next to me she was going to have to scoot over a slot, and I told the guy that checked us in that I wouldn’t be returning and therefore wouldn’t be needing a t-shirt tomorrow. So what’s done is done, and now I have a free afternoon to do things I probably shouldhave been doing anyways before I went senile and decided to sign up to voluntarily make a fool of myself.
So in the end, it just really wasn’t at all what I expected. I’m sure we’ll all get a good laugh out of this some day.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Profiles In Stupidity
I did something really stupid this weekend. I don't want you to think this is a rarity - I admit I do stupid things often. But this particular act of stupidity resulted in severe physical pain. And it made me start to think of all the times I did things I knew better than to do, but did them anyways, and paid a hefty price. Six things immediately came to mind. So maybe, by recounting them here, I can remind myself and others to think first, and avoid such dire consequences as I have experienced.
1. Never ride a wooden roller coaster with a sunburn
This is the thing I did this weekend. My aunt and uncle that I hadn't seen in seven years were visiting my family in Deer Park (the aunt and uncle that live in the awesome house in Park City, UT - skiing anyone?) We spent Sunday outside in the pool, then headed down to Kemah for dinner and to play on the boardwalk where they recently introduced a new wooden roller coaster. You might think that the stupid thing I did was to get sunburned in the first place, and you would be right. But that is a lesson I should have learned at least 20 times in my life. You might think that the stupid thing I did was to get on a roller coaster, but I am a thrill seeker, and it's hard to keep me from getting on a roller coaster at all. But never in a million years should I have gotten on a wooden roller coaster with a severe sunburn.
For those of you unfamiliar with the physics of wooden roller coasters - they are very jerky!!! Case in point - Texas Giant at Six Flags. I rode that once and only once, and immediately began searching for the nearest chiropractor. The roller coaster I rode on Sunday was called The Bullet and was not quite as violent as Texas Giant, but add to that a six-foot plus "little" brother squeezed into the car with you who insists on keeping his hands in the air the whole time (hands which he can't control and thus end up smacking his sunburned sister all over her second degree burns), and you've got a recipe for disaster. I could have bathed in Aloe and my skin would still be throbbing.
2. When snow skiing, always fall sideways
I have been snow skiing since I was a young child, but it wasn't until December 1999 that I learned this very basic lesson. When you fall backwards and your legs go straight up into the air and your skis come down and stick upright in the snow, and you feel a shooting pain through the back of your leg that results in 20 seconds of screaming bloody murder pain before your entire left side goes numb, well my friend, you just tore your ACL. On the first run. Of the first day. Of a once-in-every-three-years ski trip.
And then you are forced to spend the rest of your trip in the clinic and the next few weeks in a brace. Then you get to have knee surgery on December 30, 1999, and you get to see the Millennium New Year hit every country in the world from your hospital bed, that is if you haven't passed out from the pain or the pain medicine. Then you get to go through weeks of physical therapy, where making a complete rotation on a stationary bicycle is both excruciatingly painful and a major accomplishment. Then you get to learn how to walk upstairs because in one week you have to return to your college apartment on the third floor. Then you get to catch a break - because you get a handicap parking permit for use on campus. And then you have a lot more friends who want to carpool. So there is a silver lining.
3. Never question the Chinese woman who tries to sell you a green bean popsicle
It was June, 2005. I was doing some sight seeing in Beijing, and had just left the Dalai Lama Temple. It felt like 120 degrees outside, so the popsicle stand down the street looked very appealing. I saw several pictures of different ice creams and popsicles available, with the flavor identified in Chinese writing. I saw a picture of a green popsicle, and my mouth started watering at the thought of a cool, refreshing, lime treat. I told the woman at the cart (who barely spoke English) that I would have the lime popsicle. She said, "Green bean?" And I, thinking that she must have been referring to the color, said, "Yes, green popsicle."
I turned over my money and within seconds had the citric utopia in my hand. I tore open the wrapper and sunk my teeth into its cold, but welcome frost. And I nearly choked. I had just bitten off a good portion of a green bean flavored popsicle. Now I quite like green beans. Give me a can of French's cut beans with a little garlic salt, or my Weight Watchers oriental green bean recipe, and I'm happy. But a giant smushed up, frozen, sweet green bean... not so tasty. I coughed. I spit. I gagged. I dropped it in the nearest trash can. I ran back to the cart and promptly ordered an orange colored popsicle, which also happened to be orange flavor.
4. Never take someone you've been dating for only four months to an out of town wedding
I'm not going to go through this whole story. Many of you have heard it - it is commonly referred to as the "Worst Date Ever - Seriously." Since this story deserves its own blog (and one day I will post it), I'm going to leave it at this
5. Never try to catch a football unless you are 95% sure it will land safely in your hands
This is known as "the time Claire broke my finger." We were hanging out at a fishing tournament, and decided to play a little catch before the festivities began. Claire launched the football hard at my face, and I raised my hands to catch the ball in front of my face. I'm sure I squealed. I know I am a sissy. The ball hit my fingertips, jamming my left index finger into the nose of the football. It hurt. Bad. Within minutes my finger swelled up to the size of a 7-11 Big Dog. I ended up participating in the fishing tournament with a giant bag of ice wrapped around my hand.
After a few days I visited a doctor, who decided my finger was broken and that I needed to go through physical therapy. So the next few weeks I went a few times a week to open and close my left hand in the presence of a trained professional. The paraffin dips were nice, but it would have been better if I could have dipped both hands - you know to even it out.
Moral of the story - unless you are T.O. let the ball drop. (Note to T.O. - you are T.O. so you are expected to catch the ball).
And finally,
6. Don't ever sign up for a "Christian" dating service
It doesn't matter how desperate you are, or how many times your mom says, "I want to throw a wedding!" or "You know, you don't have to be married to have a baby!" If someone calls you and says something along the lines of "So when's a good time for you to come in so we can show you what we're all about?" what that really means is you are about to get suckered into paying lots of money. I know, I should have known better.
Here's when I knew I'd made a bad decision - first of all while I was a member the dating service had to change it's name (to Ultimate Singles - shameless un-plug) after lawsuits and accusations from people who thought they had been duped. Secondly, one of the first guys to contact me called me because he saw that I was a student at SMU and twenty seconds into our conversation, he asked if I knew anyone he could buy pot from. This from a supposed "Christian" dating service.
I was so disgusted by the service, the people I met, and myself for signing up for the thing in the first place. Aargh...
There - now you know I'm not always as smart and common-sensical as I appear.
1. Never ride a wooden roller coaster with a sunburn
This is the thing I did this weekend. My aunt and uncle that I hadn't seen in seven years were visiting my family in Deer Park (the aunt and uncle that live in the awesome house in Park City, UT - skiing anyone?) We spent Sunday outside in the pool, then headed down to Kemah for dinner and to play on the boardwalk where they recently introduced a new wooden roller coaster. You might think that the stupid thing I did was to get sunburned in the first place, and you would be right. But that is a lesson I should have learned at least 20 times in my life. You might think that the stupid thing I did was to get on a roller coaster, but I am a thrill seeker, and it's hard to keep me from getting on a roller coaster at all. But never in a million years should I have gotten on a wooden roller coaster with a severe sunburn.
For those of you unfamiliar with the physics of wooden roller coasters - they are very jerky!!! Case in point - Texas Giant at Six Flags. I rode that once and only once, and immediately began searching for the nearest chiropractor. The roller coaster I rode on Sunday was called The Bullet and was not quite as violent as Texas Giant, but add to that a six-foot plus "little" brother squeezed into the car with you who insists on keeping his hands in the air the whole time (hands which he can't control and thus end up smacking his sunburned sister all over her second degree burns), and you've got a recipe for disaster. I could have bathed in Aloe and my skin would still be throbbing.
2. When snow skiing, always fall sideways
I have been snow skiing since I was a young child, but it wasn't until December 1999 that I learned this very basic lesson. When you fall backwards and your legs go straight up into the air and your skis come down and stick upright in the snow, and you feel a shooting pain through the back of your leg that results in 20 seconds of screaming bloody murder pain before your entire left side goes numb, well my friend, you just tore your ACL. On the first run. Of the first day. Of a once-in-every-three-years ski trip.
And then you are forced to spend the rest of your trip in the clinic and the next few weeks in a brace. Then you get to have knee surgery on December 30, 1999, and you get to see the Millennium New Year hit every country in the world from your hospital bed, that is if you haven't passed out from the pain or the pain medicine. Then you get to go through weeks of physical therapy, where making a complete rotation on a stationary bicycle is both excruciatingly painful and a major accomplishment. Then you get to learn how to walk upstairs because in one week you have to return to your college apartment on the third floor. Then you get to catch a break - because you get a handicap parking permit for use on campus. And then you have a lot more friends who want to carpool. So there is a silver lining.
3. Never question the Chinese woman who tries to sell you a green bean popsicle
It was June, 2005. I was doing some sight seeing in Beijing, and had just left the Dalai Lama Temple. It felt like 120 degrees outside, so the popsicle stand down the street looked very appealing. I saw several pictures of different ice creams and popsicles available, with the flavor identified in Chinese writing. I saw a picture of a green popsicle, and my mouth started watering at the thought of a cool, refreshing, lime treat. I told the woman at the cart (who barely spoke English) that I would have the lime popsicle. She said, "Green bean?" And I, thinking that she must have been referring to the color, said, "Yes, green popsicle."
I turned over my money and within seconds had the citric utopia in my hand. I tore open the wrapper and sunk my teeth into its cold, but welcome frost. And I nearly choked. I had just bitten off a good portion of a green bean flavored popsicle. Now I quite like green beans. Give me a can of French's cut beans with a little garlic salt, or my Weight Watchers oriental green bean recipe, and I'm happy. But a giant smushed up, frozen, sweet green bean... not so tasty. I coughed. I spit. I gagged. I dropped it in the nearest trash can. I ran back to the cart and promptly ordered an orange colored popsicle, which also happened to be orange flavor.
4. Never take someone you've been dating for only four months to an out of town wedding
I'm not going to go through this whole story. Many of you have heard it - it is commonly referred to as the "Worst Date Ever - Seriously." Since this story deserves its own blog (and one day I will post it), I'm going to leave it at this
5. Never try to catch a football unless you are 95% sure it will land safely in your hands
This is known as "the time Claire broke my finger." We were hanging out at a fishing tournament, and decided to play a little catch before the festivities began. Claire launched the football hard at my face, and I raised my hands to catch the ball in front of my face. I'm sure I squealed. I know I am a sissy. The ball hit my fingertips, jamming my left index finger into the nose of the football. It hurt. Bad. Within minutes my finger swelled up to the size of a 7-11 Big Dog. I ended up participating in the fishing tournament with a giant bag of ice wrapped around my hand.
After a few days I visited a doctor, who decided my finger was broken and that I needed to go through physical therapy. So the next few weeks I went a few times a week to open and close my left hand in the presence of a trained professional. The paraffin dips were nice, but it would have been better if I could have dipped both hands - you know to even it out.
Moral of the story - unless you are T.O. let the ball drop. (Note to T.O. - you are T.O. so you are expected to catch the ball).
And finally,
6. Don't ever sign up for a "Christian" dating service
It doesn't matter how desperate you are, or how many times your mom says, "I want to throw a wedding!" or "You know, you don't have to be married to have a baby!" If someone calls you and says something along the lines of "So when's a good time for you to come in so we can show you what we're all about?" what that really means is you are about to get suckered into paying lots of money. I know, I should have known better.
Here's when I knew I'd made a bad decision - first of all while I was a member the dating service had to change it's name (to Ultimate Singles - shameless un-plug) after lawsuits and accusations from people who thought they had been duped. Secondly, one of the first guys to contact me called me because he saw that I was a student at SMU and twenty seconds into our conversation, he asked if I knew anyone he could buy pot from. This from a supposed "Christian" dating service.
I was so disgusted by the service, the people I met, and myself for signing up for the thing in the first place. Aargh...
There - now you know I'm not always as smart and common-sensical as I appear.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Gay Hooker
This blog is actually a re-telling of one of my favorite stories of all time. This didn't happen personally to me, but I wish it did.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon last year my friend Chris was driving down Cedar Springs in Dallas. For those of you who don't live in Dallas, that is where all the lesbian and gay bars are. As he was driving he was talking on the phone (multitasking), and noticed a guy walking down the street. Chris looked a little closer, and determined that the guy looked familiar. He thought he knew him but couldn't place where. The guy saw Chris eyeing him, and waved. At this point Chris thought, "This guy must recognize me too - I really must know him." So Chris pulled over (ended his phone conversation) and rolled down the window. The guy said "Hey how's it going?" Chris said hi, then the guy asked if Chris could give him a ride down to the Melrose Hotel. Chris, still believing he knew this guy from somewhere, said sure, so the guy hopped in Chris' car.
As soon as Chris pulled out onto the street again, his front seat guest reached over to "touch" Chris and said, "So I figured we could get into some trouble." The guy then starts explaining to Chris what $20 will buy him. At this point, Chris realizes that he doesn't really know this guy, but that he has just accidentally picked up a gay hooker. The guy emphasizes that it will only cost $20 to enjoy the benefit of certain services (use your imagination), but Chris is so flustered at this point all he can say is "I don't have $20." Chris asked the guy to get out of his car, but Gay Hooker persisted. Finally Chris ended up giving the guy $10 just to get out of his car.
Now I'm still unclear as to why the guy looked familiar to Chris. Care to share anything with us, Vaca?
And finally the moral of the story is this: Always carry cash. You never know when you'll need to pay a hooker to get out of your car.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Online Networking
We’ve come a long way since Al Gore invented the internet. And while constant debate looms over who has the most prolific MySpace network or which dating website is most likely to get you some action, I decided to see for myself. In the name of research, I have been active on several websites lately whose goal is to connect people. So here is my take on the pros and cons of these websites.
Social
When several early versions like Friendster failed to take off, MySpace basically wrote the book on social networking. With over 50 million users, you can find profiles for everyone from Bob Barker to your high school chemistry teacher to three quarters of the people on the To Catch A Predator Dateline specials. Which leads me to my first and only pro for MySpace – everybody is doing it. Now I have closed my Myspace account (read more to find out why), but when I had one, I by no means had a vast network. But with such an extensive network available, you can get plugged into all kinds of stuff – celebrities, bands, my sisters’ dance studio, etc. But that’s where the pros end.
While MySpace would tout that the ability to customize your profile encourages expression of individualism, some users forgot that black text doesn’t really work well on a black background. I may have had 75 friends, but the number with profiles I could actually read? Much smaller. Another con for MySpace – people can easily spam your entire friends list with promises to eliminate your credit card debt or elongate certain body parts. And the biggest con (however also a source for entertainment) is that privacy is limited, which means that I get all kinds of fun emails from all kinds of interesting people. Case in point: excerpts from an email I once received from Benjamin in Nigeria, “hello sweet kproc how are you doing ?... i will like to marry you meshakproc…you have stolen my heart baby…for me when i was a child i told my mom that i will marry a usa lady if i have the chance and the chance have arrived and you standing as my wife it is a great thing to happen to my life . i promise you that i will not give up…baby love you” Now isn’t that romantic?
Why do I like Facebook? They win hands down on the stalk-ability meter. Every time you log in to Facebook you get a newsfeed of what’s going on with people in your network. For instance, if you were my Facebook friend, Facebooks’ newsfeed tells me who you recently added as friends, when you added pictures, and it even gives me your email address. I appreciate that the profiles are not cluttered with ads, crap, and unreadable profiles, but as a stalking enthusiast, Facebook wins it all based on this feature alone.
Another pro for Facebook is the fun applications you can attach to your profile. Any of my Facebook friends can click on my profile and see a map of the cities I’ve visited, play Oregon Trail with me, or see that I scored a 53 on Dr. Phil’s personality test. But what is a pro can also be a con. Many times when you try to add an application, Facebook sends messages to your friends asking them to also add the application.
But let us remember why we’re really on these social networking sites. I mean who doesn’t want to rekindle their friendship with the hoochie “best friend” who stole your boyfriend in ninth grade or planted a lit cigarette in your prom dress after downing a bottle of Everclear? That, my friends, is what social networking is all about.
Professional
I’m not too familiar with Linkedin’s competition, so I’ll just focus on what it does. Linkedin is a professional networking website that takes the Kevin Bacon game to a whole new level. I have 115 direct Linkedin connections, which means I’m two degrees away from 9300+ professional contacts, which means I’m three degrees away from 772,300+ professional contacts, which means if I ever feel like becoming a rodeo clown, I’m just a friend of a friend away from THREE people who can help me get my floppy red clown shoe in the door. Sure, an MBA with an accounting emphasis may not be the experience they are looking for, but at least we know someone in common. And once they see my skill in a barrel, they will change their mind.
Linkedin shows you who you’re connected to, but also allows you to input your resume details. So that if anyone is looking for someone just like you to fill some employment requisition, you are notified and can pop over your resume with a Randy Jackson-esque name drop.
Dating
I’m not sure why I’m outlining the pros and cons of a dating website to an audience likely composed primarily of married or practically married couples, but I know you are just dying to know how I keep my social calendar stuffed with dates with hot, rich, successful men. So here’s how it works…
On Eharmony you take a ridiculously long and detailed assessment aimed at getting to understand the core of you. How do you react to certain situations, do you doodle animals or symbols, and how long is your index finger in relation to your ring finger? You know – important stuff. Then as long as you aren’t one of the people who get that dreaded response, “We’re sorry but there is a small population of people we just can’t help. Good luck!” (my sister got it – it’s not a joke), then you are thrown into a database with 13 million other “eligible” singles. You are sent matches based on compatibility, which means you actually have to be matched via Eharmony’s system, you can’t just go out and browse anyone’s profile. Then you go through a series of communication steps (answering multiple choice questions, answering short answer questions, sending a list of likes/dislikes, etc.) before you can actually communicate openly back and forth. That means that if you haven’t lost interest after the three weeks it takes you to get there, you may actually get to have an unscripted conversation with this person.
Match.com, on the other hand, is a virtual free for all. With over 15 million singles actively looking for love, you can find just about anyone (including your boss, your sisters’ pet hamster and your co-workers’ husband). You can view who you want, wink at who you want, and email who you want. Of course this works both ways, and I’m still confused as to why a man my dad’s age who got his GED last year and chews tobacco thinks I might be interested in him when my profile clearly specifies otherwise. So there is some filtering to be done, but once you get past that you can surely find some entertainment in running a search for 27-38 year old men 5’10” and taller within 30 miles of your zip code that have never been married, don’t smoke, make $150K+ annually, have no kids, have a PhD and are Christian then winking at them and seeing if any write back (probably not because your body type in your profile is described as “about average”). Of course I speak hypothetically.
When you put them side by side, I choose match.com even though my chances of being in a television commercial are now drastically reduced. Match has more opportunity to meet people (Eharmony is often criticized for limiting matches and excluding same-sex matches), it’s cheaper, and it’s just more entertaining. And if you are interested in dating someone who drinks a lot of hurricanes then passes out in the floor of a church nursery where he has vomited and urinated, well match.com is the place to look. Again, I speak hypothetically.
One final note: If you think Craig’s List is the place to find a nice young man or woman to spend the rest of your life with – well I highly suggest you do not try to prove that on your work computer. That’s what a personal computer is for.
So in conclusion, find someone you like on match.com, see how many degrees separate you on Linkedin, then stalk them on Facebook. It obviously works for me.
Social
When several early versions like Friendster failed to take off, MySpace basically wrote the book on social networking. With over 50 million users, you can find profiles for everyone from Bob Barker to your high school chemistry teacher to three quarters of the people on the To Catch A Predator Dateline specials. Which leads me to my first and only pro for MySpace – everybody is doing it. Now I have closed my Myspace account (read more to find out why), but when I had one, I by no means had a vast network. But with such an extensive network available, you can get plugged into all kinds of stuff – celebrities, bands, my sisters’ dance studio, etc. But that’s where the pros end.
While MySpace would tout that the ability to customize your profile encourages expression of individualism, some users forgot that black text doesn’t really work well on a black background. I may have had 75 friends, but the number with profiles I could actually read? Much smaller. Another con for MySpace – people can easily spam your entire friends list with promises to eliminate your credit card debt or elongate certain body parts. And the biggest con (however also a source for entertainment) is that privacy is limited, which means that I get all kinds of fun emails from all kinds of interesting people. Case in point: excerpts from an email I once received from Benjamin in Nigeria, “hello sweet kproc how are you doing ?... i will like to marry you meshakproc…you have stolen my heart baby…for me when i was a child i told my mom that i will marry a usa lady if i have the chance and the chance have arrived and you standing as my wife it is a great thing to happen to my life . i promise you that i will not give up…baby love you” Now isn’t that romantic?
Why do I like Facebook? They win hands down on the stalk-ability meter. Every time you log in to Facebook you get a newsfeed of what’s going on with people in your network. For instance, if you were my Facebook friend, Facebooks’ newsfeed tells me who you recently added as friends, when you added pictures, and it even gives me your email address. I appreciate that the profiles are not cluttered with ads, crap, and unreadable profiles, but as a stalking enthusiast, Facebook wins it all based on this feature alone.
Another pro for Facebook is the fun applications you can attach to your profile. Any of my Facebook friends can click on my profile and see a map of the cities I’ve visited, play Oregon Trail with me, or see that I scored a 53 on Dr. Phil’s personality test. But what is a pro can also be a con. Many times when you try to add an application, Facebook sends messages to your friends asking them to also add the application.
But let us remember why we’re really on these social networking sites. I mean who doesn’t want to rekindle their friendship with the hoochie “best friend” who stole your boyfriend in ninth grade or planted a lit cigarette in your prom dress after downing a bottle of Everclear? That, my friends, is what social networking is all about.
Professional
I’m not too familiar with Linkedin’s competition, so I’ll just focus on what it does. Linkedin is a professional networking website that takes the Kevin Bacon game to a whole new level. I have 115 direct Linkedin connections, which means I’m two degrees away from 9300+ professional contacts, which means I’m three degrees away from 772,300+ professional contacts, which means if I ever feel like becoming a rodeo clown, I’m just a friend of a friend away from THREE people who can help me get my floppy red clown shoe in the door. Sure, an MBA with an accounting emphasis may not be the experience they are looking for, but at least we know someone in common. And once they see my skill in a barrel, they will change their mind.
Linkedin shows you who you’re connected to, but also allows you to input your resume details. So that if anyone is looking for someone just like you to fill some employment requisition, you are notified and can pop over your resume with a Randy Jackson-esque name drop.
Dating
I’m not sure why I’m outlining the pros and cons of a dating website to an audience likely composed primarily of married or practically married couples, but I know you are just dying to know how I keep my social calendar stuffed with dates with hot, rich, successful men. So here’s how it works…
On Eharmony you take a ridiculously long and detailed assessment aimed at getting to understand the core of you. How do you react to certain situations, do you doodle animals or symbols, and how long is your index finger in relation to your ring finger? You know – important stuff. Then as long as you aren’t one of the people who get that dreaded response, “We’re sorry but there is a small population of people we just can’t help. Good luck!” (my sister got it – it’s not a joke), then you are thrown into a database with 13 million other “eligible” singles. You are sent matches based on compatibility, which means you actually have to be matched via Eharmony’s system, you can’t just go out and browse anyone’s profile. Then you go through a series of communication steps (answering multiple choice questions, answering short answer questions, sending a list of likes/dislikes, etc.) before you can actually communicate openly back and forth. That means that if you haven’t lost interest after the three weeks it takes you to get there, you may actually get to have an unscripted conversation with this person.
Match.com, on the other hand, is a virtual free for all. With over 15 million singles actively looking for love, you can find just about anyone (including your boss, your sisters’ pet hamster and your co-workers’ husband). You can view who you want, wink at who you want, and email who you want. Of course this works both ways, and I’m still confused as to why a man my dad’s age who got his GED last year and chews tobacco thinks I might be interested in him when my profile clearly specifies otherwise. So there is some filtering to be done, but once you get past that you can surely find some entertainment in running a search for 27-38 year old men 5’10” and taller within 30 miles of your zip code that have never been married, don’t smoke, make $150K+ annually, have no kids, have a PhD and are Christian then winking at them and seeing if any write back (probably not because your body type in your profile is described as “about average”). Of course I speak hypothetically.
When you put them side by side, I choose match.com even though my chances of being in a television commercial are now drastically reduced. Match has more opportunity to meet people (Eharmony is often criticized for limiting matches and excluding same-sex matches), it’s cheaper, and it’s just more entertaining. And if you are interested in dating someone who drinks a lot of hurricanes then passes out in the floor of a church nursery where he has vomited and urinated, well match.com is the place to look. Again, I speak hypothetically.
One final note: If you think Craig’s List is the place to find a nice young man or woman to spend the rest of your life with – well I highly suggest you do not try to prove that on your work computer. That’s what a personal computer is for.
So in conclusion, find someone you like on match.com, see how many degrees separate you on Linkedin, then stalk them on Facebook. It obviously works for me.
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