Profiles In Stupidity

I did something really stupid this weekend. I don't want you to think this is a rarity - I admit I do stupid things often. But this particular act of stupidity resulted in severe physical pain. And it made me start to think of all the times I did things I knew better than to do, but did them anyways, and paid a hefty price. Six things immediately came to mind. So maybe, by recounting them here, I can remind myself and others to think first, and avoid such dire consequences as I have experienced.

1. Never ride a wooden roller coaster with a sunburn
This is the thing I did this weekend. My aunt and uncle that I hadn't seen in seven years were visiting my family in Deer Park (the aunt and uncle that live in the awesome house in Park City, UT - skiing anyone?) We spent Sunday outside in the pool, then headed down to Kemah for dinner and to play on the boardwalk where they recently introduced a new wooden roller coaster. You might think that the stupid thing I did was to get sunburned in the first place, and you would be right. But that is a lesson I should have learned at least 20 times in my life. You might think that the stupid thing I did was to get on a roller coaster, but I am a thrill seeker, and it's hard to keep me from getting on a roller coaster at all. But never in a million years should I have gotten on a wooden roller coaster with a severe sunburn.

For those of you unfamiliar with the physics of wooden roller coasters - they are very jerky!!! Case in point - Texas Giant at Six Flags. I rode that once and only once, and immediately began searching for the nearest chiropractor. The roller coaster I rode on Sunday was called The Bullet and was not quite as violent as Texas Giant, but add to that a six-foot plus "little" brother squeezed into the car with you who insists on keeping his hands in the air the whole time (hands which he can't control and thus end up smacking his sunburned sister all over her second degree burns), and you've got a recipe for disaster. I could have bathed in Aloe and my skin would still be throbbing.

2. When snow skiing, always fall sideways
I have been snow skiing since I was a young child, but it wasn't until December 1999 that I learned this very basic lesson. When you fall backwards and your legs go straight up into the air and your skis come down and stick upright in the snow, and you feel a shooting pain through the back of your leg that results in 20 seconds of screaming bloody murder pain before your entire left side goes numb, well my friend, you just tore your ACL. On the first run. Of the first day. Of a once-in-every-three-years ski trip.

And then you are forced to spend the rest of your trip in the clinic and the next few weeks in a brace. Then you get to have knee surgery on December 30, 1999, and you get to see the Millennium New Year hit every country in the world from your hospital bed, that is if you haven't passed out from the pain or the pain medicine. Then you get to go through weeks of physical therapy, where making a complete rotation on a stationary bicycle is both excruciatingly painful and a major accomplishment. Then you get to learn how to walk upstairs because in one week you have to return to your college apartment on the third floor. Then you get to catch a break - because you get a handicap parking permit for use on campus. And then you have a lot more friends who want to carpool. So there is a silver lining.

3. Never question the Chinese woman who tries to sell you a green bean popsicle
It was June, 2005. I was doing some sight seeing in Beijing, and had just left the Dalai Lama Temple. It felt like 120 degrees outside, so the popsicle stand down the street looked very appealing. I saw several pictures of different ice creams and popsicles available, with the flavor identified in Chinese writing. I saw a picture of a green popsicle, and my mouth started watering at the thought of a cool, refreshing, lime treat. I told the woman at the cart (who barely spoke English) that I would have the lime popsicle. She said, "Green bean?" And I, thinking that she must have been referring to the color, said, "Yes, green popsicle."

I turned over my money and within seconds had the citric utopia in my hand. I tore open the wrapper and sunk my teeth into its cold, but welcome frost. And I nearly choked. I had just bitten off a good portion of a green bean flavored popsicle. Now I quite like green beans. Give me a can of French's cut beans with a little garlic salt, or my Weight Watchers oriental green bean recipe, and I'm happy. But a giant smushed up, frozen, sweet green bean... not so tasty. I coughed. I spit. I gagged. I dropped it in the nearest trash can. I ran back to the cart and promptly ordered an orange colored popsicle, which also happened to be orange flavor.

4. Never take someone you've been dating for only four months to an out of town wedding
I'm not going to go through this whole story. Many of you have heard it - it is commonly referred to as the "Worst Date Ever - Seriously." Since this story deserves its own blog (and one day I will post it), I'm going to leave it at this

5. Never try to catch a football unless you are 95% sure it will land safely in your hands
This is known as "the time Claire broke my finger." We were hanging out at a fishing tournament, and decided to play a little catch before the festivities began. Claire launched the football hard at my face, and I raised my hands to catch the ball in front of my face. I'm sure I squealed. I know I am a sissy. The ball hit my fingertips, jamming my left index finger into the nose of the football. It hurt. Bad. Within minutes my finger swelled up to the size of a 7-11 Big Dog. I ended up participating in the fishing tournament with a giant bag of ice wrapped around my hand.

After a few days I visited a doctor, who decided my finger was broken and that I needed to go through physical therapy. So the next few weeks I went a few times a week to open and close my left hand in the presence of a trained professional. The paraffin dips were nice, but it would have been better if I could have dipped both hands - you know to even it out.

Moral of the story - unless you are T.O. let the ball drop. (Note to T.O. - you are T.O. so you are expected to catch the ball).

And finally,

6. Don't ever sign up for a "Christian" dating service
It doesn't matter how desperate you are, or how many times your mom says, "I want to throw a wedding!" or "You know, you don't have to be married to have a baby!" If someone calls you and says something along the lines of "So when's a good time for you to come in so we can show you what we're all about?" what that really means is you are about to get suckered into paying lots of money. I know, I should have known better.

Here's when I knew I'd made a bad decision - first of all while I was a member the dating service had to change it's name (to Ultimate Singles - shameless un-plug) after lawsuits and accusations from people who thought they had been duped. Secondly, one of the first guys to contact me called me because he saw that I was a student at SMU and twenty seconds into our conversation, he asked if I knew anyone he could buy pot from. This from a supposed "Christian" dating service.

I was so disgusted by the service, the people I met, and myself for signing up for the thing in the first place. Aargh...

There - now you know I'm not always as smart and common-sensical as I appear.