Humanity Sucks! Nevermind!

I've been meaning to tell you all about a couple of crazy things that happened last Thursday.

I saw the worst side of humanity and the best side of humanity. I'll start with the worst.A couple of weeks ago after church Ben told me, “Your right rear is kind of low.” After I punched him in the face I realized he was talking about my tire. So I went and aired up my back right tire, and checked it again last Thursday morning and it was low again. So I figured I must have a leak. So I took my car to the Firestone that’s literally a block away from work and walked to work. A few minutes later they called and told me there were two punctures in my tire. I jokingly said, “Are you saying someone slashed my tire?” and the guy said, “It sure looks that way – two four inch slashes.” Not sure where this happened (I park in my garage at home), but at the moment, I’m looking out for my enemies.

Second story...A few weeks ago a bunch of people from church pooled their money together to buy a going away gift for Broc. One of the things we got him was tickets to see Seinfeld because he kind of has a man crush on him. I bought the tickets online at ticketmaster and when you do that they are supposed to send you a notice when they have been printed and they are supposed to be delivered in the mail at least five business days before the event. Well the show is this Saturday, and as of last Thursday I still hadn't received the email or the tickets. So I was starting to kind of freak out about if and when they would arrive.

Fast forward to last Thursday night (the same day I found out my tire had been slashed) - I got home at about 10PM and went to check the mail, hoping to find something from Ticketmaster. There was nothing from Ticketmaster, but among all the junk mail and mortgage insurance letters (that won't stop coming) there was an envelope hand addressed to me. The return address was from Chuck Cox at a Dallas address. I don't know a Chuck Cox so I was very curious as to what this hand addressed envelope contained. I opened it up to find a note inside that said "Kelly, Ticketmaster accidentally sent me your tickets. Here you go." My name and address was on the tickets so he mailed them to me. He could have used them or sold them or just ignored them, but this guy sent them to me in the mail! Isn't that crazy! So now I have the tickets and Broc can go drool over Jerry Seinfeld Saturday.

How I Keep Busy

Thank you Ashley and Ben and everyone else for enhancing my self esteem by telling me how much I suck and what a loser I am because I haven't updated the site in a while. But I have good reasons. Here's what I have been doing recently that has prevented me from updating kproc.com regularly:

1. I watched a monkey do tricks at church, then found out that said monkey is also available to dress up in a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader uniform and strip. Guys, sounds like a great idea for your next bachelor party

2. I ate an entire pitcher of alcohol soaked fruit because I thought that eating the fruit would be fewer calories than drinking the sangria. After about a pound and a half of drunk fruit, I felt nothing. Can someone say "400 pound man?"

3. I got a rash on my right hand and spent hours trying to diagnose it. Apparently the internet thinks I have herpes, as it took hours of searching "little red bumps with blisters" to turn up a search result that referenced a non-STD heat rash.

4. I got a jet ski up to 49 mph then wisely tried to make a sharp turn, which is the closest I've ever come to dying. Somehow I managed to keep it upright.

5. I wrote a song. Actually I wrote lyrics to a song - I can't take credit for the music. It's a song for Dick. I'm still putting the finishing touches on it, and when it's done I will post it.

6. I fantasized about gazelle role playing. Whitney, Kristen, Kay - you know what I'm talking about.

7. I spent many very productive hours working on my tan in the sun. I managed not to get too sunburned, but did contract aforementioned heat rash.

8. Kicked Ben's @ss (and several old ladies') at nursing home bingo, but called a truce over a bowl of ice cream.

9. I made my first real firework purchase ever, although I had no clue what I was doing and refused to light them myself.

10. I ate a very patriotic meal of fajitas on Independence Day

11. Submitted no less than five help tickets in the last three weeks to the IT help desk at work for computer issues, many of which are still unresolved, so I'm working on a computer that could crap out at any moment.

12. Lost at flip cup multiple times

13. Watched Joey Chestnut take the Hot Dog Eating Championship in the dramatic five dog eat off

14. Got a deflated tire, and drove to four different gas stations before I could find a place that had an air hose.

15. Got attacked by a scary two pound dog who I swear must have been rabid

16. Fell in love with Will on "So You Think You Can Dance"

17. Played cashier at a pie auction fund raiser at church where people were paying as much as $500 for a pie - no joke

18. Ordered my driving record and prepared for defensive driving since I committed the major sin of going 75 on the Tollway

19. Met my hairdressing soul mate, Cory. He's "not a big product guy"

20. Took a double step aerobics class (yes - with TWO step benches - half the workout is just trying not to fall down!) after having a beer at happy hour, then paid for it the rest of the night.

21. Presented Broc with a liberal hat that will never be worn

22. Spent $370 at Linens N Things just because they were going out of business

So how, my friends, can you call me a slacker????